"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":>
You'll be making under $7 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER":
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING":
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER":>
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED":
Management won't answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS":
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS":
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE":
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; Well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT":
We have a lot of turnover

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM":
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT":
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED":>
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k":
We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION":
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS":
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED":
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE":
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD":
You whine, you're fired.

"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY":
We loooooove brown-nosers.